I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
