You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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