i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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