His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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