I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
