If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
