i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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