i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
