sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
