Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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