i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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