So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
