shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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