Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
