I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
