I hate all girls vehemently.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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