Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
