2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
