I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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