So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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