I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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