It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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