The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
