My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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