why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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