I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
