y did u give ur computer a hand job?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
