it was like eating out sand paper
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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