What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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