I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
