Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
