he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
