You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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