I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
