He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
