I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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