i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
