Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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