god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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