her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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