For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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