You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
