If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
