Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
