my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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