I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
