I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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