I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize