I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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