This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Sorry my hands just texted you
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
