I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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