Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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