My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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