God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
