never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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