Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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