i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
