She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
