it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
