What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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