So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
