I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'd cum for enchiladas.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
