Need sex. Gaining weight.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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