I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
