That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
