I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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